A Letter from an Israeli Defence Force soldier to his mom
by anonymous IDF Soldier -- Thursday April 04, 2002 at 05:22 pm

i am an idf soldier. i served during the incursions into deheishe a few weeks ago. this is a letter i wrote to my mom when i got back. support resistance to israel.

Good morning mom.
Don't be ashamed for my behavior.
I'm feeling very sick, I have the impression
I'm becoming like a beast.

I can't believe what I'm doing.
I obey orders so I don't look like a sissy in front of my friends.

You could never understand what it means to enter a house
with ten children inside, woman and old people,
pointing the rifle on them, shouting, "freeze!" in Arabic.

Only a few months ago I was going to school,  
a nice sweet boy, now I'm an assassin.

My officer orders me to take the kitchen;
I throw on the floor pans, flour sacks, sugar,
to check if they are hiding guns, or bombs.
The noise of things falling makes me throw up.

A small child in the corner looks at me with eyes full of hate.
I know that I would hate Israeli soldiers all my life if I were in his

I would kill them if I saw my mother (I mean you) forced on the floor, 
with your face on the carpet, shaking of fear while soldiers storm in the house.

I'll refuse to do it next time they ask me to do it.

I'll go to jail.
Don't be ashamed mom.

I'm missing dad a lot, he would have told me what to do.
I know that in open combat I could give my life.
But I can't kick down shelfs, break down walls, and force old people on the floor.
It makes me feel like puke.

I hate myself.
I'm not myself anymore.
I talked with two of my friends that feel the same way.

An old woman was spitting in the face of one of them.
Later he cried in his sleeping bag.
Only I heard him sobbing like a baby.
I can defend myself; don't worry.
I see too many cigarette butts in your ashtray.
I'm probably the cause of so much smoking.

Hug Yael for me; tell her I'm sorry 
I couldn't say bye before leaving.
I wonder how she would feel if soldiers break into her room
messing up everything and pushing her down on the floor.
Well, I'm finished
If I'll refuse to obey orders and get arrested will you understand me, mom?

Refusing to kill